i've been wrestling with this thought on and off again for a while. i agree there's a bigger story than the one that we personally know of and are living cognitively in. The planetary motion does not revolve around me or any one singular person as much as maybe we can all act like at times it does. i also agree that God is not some far off distant Being. Scripture says He knows me personally, down to the hair count on my head. Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows. (MATTHEW 10:29-31 NIV) So God is an involved God, knowing all about me and caring for me personally, but in the grand scheme of things, none of this is about ...me.
Mom says that when i all-a-sudden showed up on the scene, she made conscious effort to not turn me into the normal "baby of the family" child. She says she took on multiple babysitting jobs as i was growing up so that i would never be babied and set apart as being the only girl and the youngest. Not because she didn't love and value me, but because she didn't want me to turn into some kind of diva monster i guess.
When i consider this, it gets me to understand the complexity of a God who is personal with me while still about a greater bigger purpose... well, truly, He IS the greater bigger purpose. God is the only one who could take on that role (this story is about you) without it turning Him into an evil, self-serving monster.
i have a friend, Sean, who's been wrestling with some super tough questions against God. He says he's been called an apostate because of these questions being outwardly spoken. i don't get how being honest about the questions you have makes you an apostate, buuuut anyway he wrote me all of these things that initially made me think.. okay you're not just questioning... is it? could it be? Well, i mean to say, what i think is, you're angry. And i didn't want to give casual answers back. i didn't want to tell him, "well Sean, you have a circle shaped hole in your heart that you're trying to put square fulfillment pegs in" OR, "well Sean, the trouble is you just need to repent and accept Jesus as Savior and Lord and then shut your brain down and go with the flow, my brotha."
Y'know, i could answer Sean by basically ignore the questions being asked and stick a bumper sticker catch-phrase over top of it all. As it is, i'm completely okay with saying 'i don't know'. After all, there is a ton of stuff that is left unkown.
i watched this real-life documentary on the Discovery Channel last night that followed two women's extraordinary pregancy stories. The first woman the camera documented was a tiny framed, dark tanned, slightly hunched over older woman. She wore a white scarf wrapped around her head and she had heavy eyelids from tired skin. 46 years prior she had been pregnant, in labor, and in a tremendous amount of pain. It was clear to her that the baby was not going to come normally and she was taken to a hospital. While there, she saw a woman die while giving birth. It struck such a fear in her, that she decided to ignore the doctors prompting her to have a c-section delivery, and she went back home. She continued to be in pain without giving birth for the next few days, until one day, the pain stopped and the baby stopped moving too. She continued living as normal, convincing herself that the baby was sleeping - following after a myth in her culture. 46 years later, she baffled doctors when they discovered what was inside her.
Another woman, much younger, with smoother skin and a British accent, told about her story of carrying, what they initially thought were twins. She suddenly had a ton of pain and was told by doctors she was actually carrying triplets, but one was not inside the womb, lik a normal pregnancy, while the other two were.
Animated screens showed what had happened in each of these births, explaining what we couldn't see. The baby had started growing inside the fallopian tube and then when that ruptured, the baby grew outside of the womb. While the doctors had figured out what had happened in these pregnancys, they were still baffled. One of the doctors being interviewed said something that made me smile. He said (and i'm loosely quoting here, since i didn't write it down when i heard it) that it seems like, for as much as they know about the body, there are new things that happen all the time to teach them even more about what they don't know. The term "miracle" was tossed around quite a bit. How did the mommas not die from the initial rupture? They didn't know. How did the baby's reattach themselves to a source to keep growing outside of the womb successfully? They didn't know. How could the baby die and stay inside Zahra's stomach for 46 years without infection or without the body completely rejecting it as foreign matter? They didn't know. Miracle. Miracle. Miracle.
Why did it have to happen to Zahra?
Why the other woman?
Why do bad things happen? to her? to them? to me?
Why to any of all of everything?
How can we expect to know.
Y'know, i think we get stuck in thinking about things very subjectively, like our own perception is all that matters. And it's not to say that our thoughts and opinions and things that happen in our own lives or in lives of those that we see around us, aren't important. There is a God who intricately created and who knows and who is involved in a superior altruistic parent sort of way. God is "good" in ways that we cannot fully comprehend. God is involved and interweaved in ways that do not omit our own personal choices. God can and does create a better story where there doesn't seem to be one in our own perception of how things look and what we think of as being "fair" or "unfair".
In his new book, Don Miller talks about this guy named Victor Frankl,
an Austrian neurologist and psychologist who in 1942 was deported to Theresienstadt, a Nazi concentration camp that housed Jews in transit to Auschwitz. While in the camp, and later in Auschwitz, Frankl studied and journaled about his and others' conditions of depondency. He was separated from his wife and lost his parents in the ghetto, yet he still worked to prevent suicide among his fellow prisoners. Interfering with suicides was prohibited by Nazi guards, but Frankl whispered in people's ears all the same. The essence of his whispers were that life, even amid the absurdity of human suffering, still had meaning. Suffering, as absurd as it seemed, pointed to a greater story in which, if one would only construe himself as a character within, he could find fulfillment in his tragic role, knowing the plot was heading toward redemption. Such an understanding would take immense humility and immeasurable faith, a perspective perhaps achieved only in the context of near hopelessness.
Frankl's papers, written after surviving the camps, and even after losing his wife to the Nazis, indicated a philosophical conclusion that misery, though seemingly ridiculous, indicates life itself has potential of meaning, and therefore pain itself must also have meaning. Contrary to Freud's posit that man's greatest pursuit is of pleasure, Frankl argued life is a pursuit of meaning itself, and that search for meaning provides the basis for a person's motivation. Pain then, if one could have faith in something greater than himself, might be a path to experiencing a meaning beyond the false gratification of personal comfort.
For the prisoners Frankl helped in the concentration camps, a chance for survival was increased by a person's ability to dwell in a spiritual domain, a place where the SS could not intrude. In essence, the prisoners whom Frankl influenced were convinced to surrender their tragic experiences to the greater whole of a grander epic, and in that role they found a purpose to continue living.
(P. 195-196 A Million Miles in a Thousand Years by D.Miller)
Dude. if Frankl can find beauty in and purposeful meaning to life in a concentration camp, in the midst of all that, and not only find it for himself, but for others too, ....well then. It's either, Frankl is out of his mind delirious or he's very much sane and connected to a deeper truth beyond what our surface view would perceive. Kinda like how you either have to admit that Jesus was an absolute crazed madman or the Son of God. There's no in between wish-washy view that works.
i guess contentment, on a certain level, boils down to believing and accepting that God is not an evil dictator, puppet-master, simple-minded movie director; rather God's purpose for all of this -life- is GOOD and it's headed for redemption. It's also in, (and i'm just starting to get this more and more every day) accepting that there will be moments of pain and suffering and questioning and lamenting on my knees, crying out to God WHY, and it is not - not any of it - for "nothing".
giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.
Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.
Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church.
[EPHESIANS 5: 20-30]
When i read these verses, my mind automatically goes to the worst examples of men who have been hurtful. Then i try to imagine being humble and submitting myself to them. As you could imagine, that doesn't sit well. It causes all sorts of spite to build up. It turns these words into an awful law to follow rather than a beautiful way to be, which God understands better than human beings do. And some could argue that the writer of Ephesians is uhhhh... HUMAN. True. But, i believe that the writers of the Bible were God-led. Truth is, if it was just Paul writing words on his own standing, why would he bother to go further in saying "Husbands love your wives..."?
i have known WAY more hurtful examples of 'christian men' than positive ones. My heartbeat starts rising and my stomach gets queasy thinking of these examples. i realize how cautious i have to be in communicating this stuff, because of lingering bitterness towards situations that i've been in before. Thing is, it's only taken maybe one or two good examples to shatter all the bad ones to meaningless bits. Thank God for the few i have known to give me hope and to be able to see 'submittance' as possibly a beautiful thing.
Being a woman in leadership has opened up new perspective. i'm the kid who still wants to touch the burning stove even with multiple warnings from a loving parent that i shouldn't. i want to see what the fuss is about. i want to experience and learn for myself. And yes, it hurts. Man... where do i start with this topic? What's pertinent to mention?
Not that i ever wanted it the way it was, but i don't think a woman should be in full leadership of a mixed (gender) group of people. Hold up. i don't think a man, who doesn't understand fully how to love as Christ loves, should be in full leadership either. Both end up skewing the dynamic of relationship and authority and growth.
i never thought in a million years i'd be thinking this. Mom thinks i'm a feminist because i think boys should have the responsibility of washing dishes and cooking and cleaning just as much as any girl should. Ok... so maybe there are more reasons... but that was a point of contention at one time. i come from this mentality of anything you can do i can do better. And now....?
i'm humbled.
Not by a man who is smug and likes to flaunt how cool and able he is, by being male. Not by a man who will try to boldly proclaim that he is created to be the stronger gender. Not by a man who is belittling. Not by a man who thinks he knows what a womans place should be and thinks he should remind everyone around him of it. Not by a man who orders people around. Not by a man who rolls his eyes and refuses to listen because it's a woman talking. Not by a man who wagers bets against male versus female. Not by a man who very readily will allow me to feel like nothing more than just a silly girl. Not by a man who views women as objects or makes them feel uncomfortable in their own skin. Not by a man who will lecture about a womans responsibility to cover herself and not a peep about a mans responsibility of his own eyes and mind. God knows this list could go on&on&....
This list amps me up every time i think of it. It makes me upset and certainly doesn't make me feel like a valuable, created, human being. It brings me so ridiculously far away from "submit" to a fight or flight mode. Thank God for examples i've known to counterbalance all of that. Thank God for healing.
What does this have to do with leadership?
i recognize now, with good examples, that i crave for a man to lead. Not that i am incapable of leadership, but there's something healing about it. When a man who has a grasp of what it means to love as Christ loves, is leading a group, it's not only fulfilling for the boys, it's also reaching a part of me and i'm presuming many girls, if not all, in a healing way also. It's teaching me that a man can have authority without being a bulldozer. It's giving me example of what i could possibly see myself submitting to - not out of law or necessity based on someone telling me "do this because i said so", but because it's ingrained in me. Written. Inscribed in my veins. Much like there's an intrinsic pull towards God, i've got this magnetism towards wanting this. This is not to say that there isn't something evidently healing in the midst of a woman leading. There is good in the example of a woman standing up and thinking and speaking and leading. Absolutely. But there's still something missing, when the strong male role model/leader is not there.
There's still a part of me that fights this. A voice inside of me is screaming out, no no no.. i am woman, hear me roar! But... ha. .... wow... man experience. i have been frustrated by limitations. i have been schooled.
O.K.
i've got an itch. i cannot stop writing (aka typing) today. There are just days when everything feels ...OFF. And i can't focus for the life of me due to this overwhelming vertigo of brain matter that won't let me be. So, self-diagnosis (case of the -(insert whatever day sounds lovely to blame)-) and remedy prescribed, i write. Two entries down. Maybe the third will be the charm.
Maybe it's that there's too much change all at once, even though it's gradual and partially forseen. And i try to write about it all, to get it out of my head and off-a my chest, but i feel out of practice with this stuff. Writing. Somewhere along the way, i started speaking more and writing less. Anybody ever notice how it's rare to find someone who is excellent at both? Either they're an excellent communicator in the written form, while their face2face communication is lacking or it's the other way around. i find myself a bit mediocre at both right now.
That doesn't matter though.
i wrote some this morning. Then i read from what is quickly becoming a favorite book. i got distracted by the treetops swaying back & forth and prayed some, then watched the tree tops some more. i don't know what it is, but tree tops hold some sort of secret calming agent for me, especially when they're swaying in the wind. The tips of the branches look so tiny and fragile and they bend this way and that but rarely break in the manner you think they would. And for how small they are, they're up so high, grounded by a thick trunk and amazing root system, digging down into the soil of the ground. Fascinating.
i can't stare at treetops all day.
i'm in the midst of feeling like i'm losing familiar things while gaining the unknown. There's hope and joy and excitement and worry and a sense of loss and sadness mixed into both. It's what i want, yet not what i want. i think it's what i need but what do i know? i can barely see 20 feet in front of me.
i've been grounded. But it's been a healthy grounding. i feel a new freedom coming up. One where i'll have to be responsible, but not on the basis of what i've held myself liable to and for before. i'm afraid of leaning towards the wrong direction without that persistant liability. i'm excited to move forward. i'm scared that these movements will always feel alone - in the human sense. i'm more afraid to be stuck in one spot. i'm more wary of being tied to something or someone that's not right. And i have good friends who tell me that sometimes you just have to jump; you just have to trust; you just have to go for it or you'll never know. But......... i think a good meal takes prep time. i've been prepped in some areas - surely not all. i know i'm being worked. It'd be foolish to dig into something that needs to cook still before it can be eaten.
i know.
i know that if God were to show me a map of my life and what's up next, i wouldn't believe it. i'd probably get cold-feet or indigestion from the worry of the wait of knowing what's around the bend. i know this is a part of trust.
i can't help but feel like a failure when i have to leave something behind. When i have to transfer off something i've been allowed to work on, i wonder, well i must not have been doing things right in order for it all to feel like this. And still i have a sense of wonder in that i'm able to be used for a greater good at all. i don't want to get stuck in these thoughts, so dear journal, here you go. i don't know where to end. i don't know where to begin.
It's never for lack of things to say, that i refrain from writing.
This is the first Christmas in a long time that i haven't been grinchy. Only one disastrous remark to me, minutes before the clock struck Christmas-o'clock, threatened my peaceful state 'bout things. i don't know why i allow certain people, especially if they've proven to be consistantly hurtful, affect me... but i do. i think misery pines away to have me over for 24/7 tea and somewhere along the line, i actually believed *i* could change misery by holding onto it. Sometimes misery is just a hurt and defensless puppy that could use a good holding, but sometimes it's a vicious biting dog with little to no regard for where it chomps down. Not to go on an even longer tangent (even tho i will), when i worked at the Humane Society for a year, i witnessed the staff doing "temperament testing" on dogs. If they showed any signs of aggression, then the dog in question, would have to pass a series of tests, in order to be deemed "adoptable". If it seemed like it was an aggression that could be trained, then given room/fostering capability, they'd be trained. However, if they failed enough of the series of tests and exhibited repetitive behaviour to be "dangerous", they'd get put down. i never wanted anything to be put-down. i'd rather make excuses than recongnize it as being potentially too dangerous to love. There was a time i wouldn't give people that same regard... but i do now and it's more hurtful than giving an animal the benefit of the doubt. i guess i'm wondering now.. is it okay or even possible to be in a state of "forgiveness" and "love" while still keeping someone at a football fields distance away? Where is the line drawn?
So.
i enjoyed family and friends without feeling unnecessary pressure for "perfect gifts" and worries about how much money i'm spending and how it will even out with all my have-to's in life. Being single during this time still royally sucks, but i didn't notice it as much this year. It did help, that no matter where i went (for those Christmas-y get-togethers) (for a change) there were single people, around my age. There's no one that i'm wishing i was with that wasn't in front of me, so there's just this sweet acceptance of gratefulness at recognizing those around me as a GIFT.
i am continually amazed by women around the holidays. How do they do it? i generalize women here, because i don't think i have witnessed one guy be all organized and cutesy with cards and gifts and chachkis and holiday-hooplah-hoozie-whatzits. There's a woman @ work, that came around and gave each of us little mice, made of a half of an oreo, hershey kiss, cherry, and icing. Who thinks of this stuff? i mean, yeah... i'm artistic, but this stuff is in a whole other Martha-Stewart-minus-bars category. There's so much fuss goin on everywhere with ornaments and cards and treats & i'm exhausted at even the thought of the time spent with all that busy-ness. i blame this, on me not feeling like a naturally-domestic woman. Thankfully, i have no one around me this year to try to make me see that as a BAD thing. i don't have time or energy to worry about making the perfect christmas cookie.
When my parents and i went to the neighbors (which papi now classifies them as "family") for Christmas dinner, Ida made these fabulous mashed potatos that were perfectly smooth and YUM. Mom complimented her on them and asked her what her secret was for the flavor and consistancy and Ida shrugged her shoulders and said, "Uhh...i dunno. Must be the magic was in the box i made them from." i laughed. Mom blinked a few times and said, "Oh. Instant?" and Ida said, "Yeah. Instant! i don't have time to be all domestic."
Mom, God bless her, is remarkably domestic. In contrast to how i *used* to use that term, i see at as a beautiful thing. i don't currently have the time and desire to be that at this stage in my life, but given the opportunity, it'd probably be fun to dive into all that stuff, like she does. She makes things from scratch. She still cans fruits and veggies and i'm pretty sure she still makes her own grape juice and applesauce. She is knee-deep in process. She tried to raise me up valuing those things and learning the process', which it's not that hard to follow a recipe, but for a single girl with, what feels like - little to no time - quickness is of more value to me. So, Ida's comment came off like a diss against mom. Eh.. i've heard mom make diss-comments about women who don't value the way she does things either. Can i declare a state of femme-domestic-TRUCE? Cuz honestly... who cares. i don't know why women feel the need to one-up each other all the time with this stuff.
i think there's something divine that goes down when a group of women can get together minus jealousy, competition, underlying agendas and simply enjoy ..."ellaship". This is SO different from how i used to be... it's a laughable tide.
wow. Has it seriously been almost two months since i've posted in here?
i have at least four different (online) outlets now to write in. And each were created with different purpose. Lately though, with only a couple of exceptions, i don't care too much to separate what i talk about, where. But... this one has been more to do about God, than any other place (until TheBerean one started, just recently).
Speaking of reading through the Bible... i believe it's coloring my site to things in a different hue that, admittedly is really hard to take. In fact, i feel a bit crazy-in-thought-process, when i'm in the middle of a group of people talking about it. Bible study last night was pretty interesting. We're reading through Hosea - which has been seriously foreign matter for me to try to work through. We read a few other of the minor prophets and whenever prophecy about righteous judgement (meaning from God) of people who have been blessed in some way shape or form is read about, i can't help it; i think of the U.S. And i wonder, how long.... what will be the final motion for us to overstep all the taken for granted blessings we have? How long till our great nation is knocked down?
And thus began the discussion about, is a nation considered 'blessed by God' based on its successfulness (this excessiveness defined mainly by people) in this world? Or is it ingenuity? Is it a group of people taking careful steps towards greatness, using knowledge of forefathers and growing in their own smarts, to maintain the structure? Is the notion of people being blessed by being fertile (whether in a woman's womb or the ground yielding crops) due to the understanding of correct diet and balance (in the human body or in the soil of a field)?
See when we look at it like this, we can take out the idea of a nation, that's not doing so well, as not necessarily NOT being blessed by God - but moreso - perhaps just not savy enough with ...life. Because, it almost starts sounding exactly like the equivalent of saying that, a person becomes ill solely due to an offense against God. i don't believe that. Even scripture makes clear note that rain/trials/temptations/hardships will fall on everyone. Just because we accept Christ into our lives, does not mean that life will be peachy.
That being said.... are nations and individual people dealt with by God, in the same manner?
If i look at our nation, which has been super blessed by feeling many comforts of life and ease and protection against supposed other forces, am i to believe that it's based around people managing to build it on their own doing? Or is it because God allowed us to have wisdom and to have that ingenuity and power to fertility to grow?
i've been in awe, reading through the OT, the amount of times God has chosen to "open" or "close" the womb of a woman & it's been tied to mercy/comfort (ie. God had compassion for Leah in being not loved equally to her sister Rachel, and so He opened her womb, while for a period of time, Rachel's remained shut) and the biggest -- for BLESSING. What started 'the chosen people' by God, was a blessing promised to Abraham & Sarah of them conceiving and being the father of many nations. The OT is not showing a God who has just casually 'allowed' reproduction based on male & female being created. It's seen as holy & a blessing to have the ability to conceive. He could 'open' or 'shut' that blessing whenever He chose to.
Now, in Hosea, when a nation is being judged, the blessing of having children is taken away from them. It has zippo to do with their status amongst surrounding nations. Nada to do with their own personal ingenuity to be some sort of superpower or how much they are currently blessed with. It's God reigning over it all.
One of the guys brought up - how much of the crap we see that goes down with people (and i suppose, since i'm looking at both - we can consider the earth/soil/land too), is because God has set up laws (unwritten - solely in the working and functionality of created bodies - of people and land) that, if we are disobedient to those laws (which He has given us the ingenuity to know how to take better care of), it only takes a while before it all disintegrates through not following them. Simple things, like if you sit around all day and eat crap, your body is gonna suffer. If you drink alcohol in excess, your liver will eventually try do an exodus out of your body. Things we put out into the air, tampering with the ozone. How much of this is due to 'our smarts' and understanding of the body, versus a God who gives us the wisdom to be able to know these things about ourselves?
i could go on and on and on about this...
There's a mixture of things to consider with it all. How involved/invested/inherent is God in all of THIS? Can i see God as being such a part of everything - down to my own womb - without feeling a desolate sadness of seeing myself as a puppet and Him as the puppet-master? When does He choose to do such cause-effect things? When does He sit back and let us do what we will? Is there a point of Him stepping in or is He consistently effecting ALL things? Is it just that He is near to those that are near them and far away from those that choose to be far away, until the crying out (from affliction and sin) gets so bad, that He can't help but (in a strange sort of Love) step in - even if it is in righteous-ly hard to take judgement? (Sodom & Gomorrah).
...oy. questions. Can a girl be named Israel? cuz very clearly... i wrestle.
oh
my
gosh.
i just got the proverbial smackdown from a woman named Lillian. Like the moment that she started to speak after reading the remaining verses of John 13, everything else in the room stopped. i knew it was coming. Even though she looked in my direction, only maybe once or twice, i was seated next to her, and it sure felt like she was talking directly to me. i haven't felt like God was talking so pointedly to me, quite as intensely as that, in ....i don't even know how long, if ever. i'm not saying that Lillian was God. i'm sayin' boyohboy did He speak through her.
To be fair, the smackdown started last night in BS. Feeling the realization that my heart is only softened by the grace of God, whereas left to it's own devices, it is hardened like stone, suckerpunched me. i can't profess to understand it ALL. But wow. i totally understand my own bitterness sinking me like a rock.
In truth, i sing along with songs that ask God to give me eyes to see, everything i've been missin' and love for humanity. And another song that's been slapping me across the face lately, with lyrics that say, I am Yours regardless of the dark clouds that may loom above, because You are much greater than my pain. You who made a way for me, by suffering Your destiny; so tell me, what's a little rain? So I pray, Bring me joy, bring me peace, bring the chance to be free. Bring me anything that brings You glory. And I know there'll be days when this life brings me pain, but if that's what it takes to praise You. Jesus bring the rain. (MercyMe)
I sing along with these songs, when I hear them on the radio, but how much am I really understanding it all? Sometimes I hate to have to be the one to try and make things "right", at a point that I will classify as "again". I'm wrestling with God sayin.. nuh uh God.. not this time. Do you even know how many times I've tried? This isn't fair. Why can't you suckerpunch that person this time instead of me? Notfairnotfairnotfair! I want to be the stubborn one that doesn't budge for a while. Especially when I've somehow convinced myself that I am right and justified to feel as I do. I don't want to go to the person that's hurt me and say it's water under the bridge one more time. And I act like three years is my ticket for throwing in the towell. Who the heck do I think I am?
Twenty eight years goin now, and God hasn't thrown in the towell, with me.
Lillian said there's no time frame. That you should speak good (godly) things, positive things into the air and pray for the spirit to make them true, but it's not up me to be able to see that change in someone, whom I've felt wronged by. What good does it do to think negatively on someone else? Worse yet, to speak those things? What am I planting with my mouth and my fingertips?
And there is still a part of me that says, well I'd hate to be fake about this struggle I'm having. I don't want to throw that generalized southern charm over a pile of crap. Which is why, as hard as this really is, I need to let it go. If I don't want to be fake, then the only solution is to fester or let it be washed away. It's not bad to struggle, but at some point, I gotta realize (as cheesy as this sounds) it STINKS and I gotta either be okay with ugly or for the LOVE of God, Father, Savior in Heaven, help me remove it.
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. If we live by the Spirit, let us also walk by the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking one another, envying one another. Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted. Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. For if anyone thinks he is something, when he is nothing, he deceives himself. But let each one test his own work, and then his reason to boast will be in himself alone and not in his neighbor. For each will have to bear his own load. One who is taught the word must share all good things with the one who teaches. Do not be deceived: God is not mocked, for whatever one sows, that will he also reap. For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life. And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up. So then, as we have opportunity, let us do good to everyone, and especially to those who are of the household of faith.
GALATIANS 5:22 - 6:10
Yeah. Hi. Nothing has spoken so loud and clear as this. Even though I am undeniably hurt, I am not the ultimate judge. I cannot point to others without resolutely pointing back to myself. In a wrestling back and forth of understanding, God just loudly - through Lillian - raised his hands in the air to rejoicingly (while still, strangely enough, lovingly) yell CHECKMATE!
i don't play chess, but i've seen people who, at this climactic point of the game, look quite victorious. Not so much loving... but this is God i'm talkin' 'bout here. It's kind of a win/win, even though my human parts still feel defeated.
Lillian said the point was to drop it and love one another. So freeaking tough when I feel wronged by someone I've been trying to love. It's different if I never tried, but it shouldn't matter one way or another. Love One Another.
What's crazy BEAUTIFUL is, that this is the first time I've ever met Lillian. It's the first time she's come to study at our FF meeting. I've said no more other than hello. And she laid the smackdown on me. I kind of really love that. I've been at my wits end of trying to figure out where to go and who to talk to about all of this. And I sit down next to essentially a stranger, who comforts me more than she can fully know. That can't help but reveal that God knows and He cares to not leave me as broken as i am.
God there are so many things i full out don't understand but.... yeah
Stand by everything You said
Stand by the promises we made
Let go of everything I've done
i'll run into Your open arms
And all i know
i love You more than life
i love You more than life
Fall back on everything You've done
Fall back on everlasting arms
When all the world is swept away
You are all the things i need
You're the air i breathe
How can it be
You were the One on the cross that died for me?
Lifted for all our shame?
How can it be?
The scars in Your hands are for me?
You are the King of all
i love You more than life
:[] HillsongU []:
last night was kinda intense, personally, to me.
Oppression and darkness were everpresent. I felt it sink right into me. There was just a really intense sense of desperation, dropped like breadcrumbs from a skewed version of hansel & gretel, leading up to darkened entrances into senseless oblivion.That white tainted glorified garage made me feel queasy. Maybe it's because i know personal stories of women hurt by this stuff. Maybe it's because i understand objectification in a way that makes me so entirely uneasy and upset. Maybe there's more...
The whole time i'm sitting there thinking, this place is so dark.. man it feels so unbelievably dark... and it's painted white?
i hate it. i really hate the "business". And yet, there i am, in a car full of people praying for LOVE to spread like wildfire over the people inside. i use this analogy all the time, because it feels so appropriate for intensity i feel in the things i describe from time to time. It felt like hot and cold fronts crash-slamming into one another and i seriously half expected the paved ground to crack from confusion and battle. i kept looking down.. waiting.
i know it starts with prayer. i know so many amazingly beautiful things break new ground through this sort of spiritual warfare. But i'm so impatient. i want the ground to break right in front of me. (Do i even know what the heck i'm asking for??!!) i'm frustrated at HOW to be the hands and feet of Jesus in a way more personal way. And when i see, what are essentially little girls, sucked into such a dark place.... i am a combination of sorrow and straight up pissed off. i don't know how to be casually praying nice prayers over it and half the time i don't even know how to begin to speak. i'm too aware of people around me to be too broken down 'bout this when i'm sitting there in front of it. But yeah... that doesn't mean that i can't be facedown praying about it at other points in time. i'm glad someone brought that up in prayer...
i'm passionate and lazy about things all at once. ridiculous.
& then to go from this, to right down the road, was like stepping out of night and into day. Standing on that circular emblem for MCC with Elton John's Rocket Man and Ben Folds playing in the background, i felt life; like plants growing up up up, sort of vitality surging. Opportunity was just living and breathing and seeping out of employment opportunities and book stores and meeting rooms and comfy chairs lining around the main room. It just felt soooo... mmm... gooooood. i tend to focus on all the bad things that can potentially go on when i'm looking at dorms and campus life, that i forget what it's really supposed to be about and how much of a blessing it has the (when its really sought out) ability to be. Standing there, looking around at things, that were generally shut down for the evening, but with the lights still on and music still singing through speakers, i felt that 'sky's the limit' sort of vibe rise right up through the concrete, up through the tiled floor, up through my tired and worn out Avias to the sensitive parts of the soles of my feets.
i believe that the creator of the universe designed each of us for a specific and unique purpose. i'm convinced that He put desires into us for reasons. Last week, i started to write about this frustration and stopped because, i just didn't have enough free time to finish my thoughts, and then those thoughts got piled under other, convincingly "more" pressing thoughts, like a dusty desk piled high with papers full of good intentions.
not that i'm so sure that many thoughts can ever be truly "finished" here's the DRAFT:
Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart.
[PSALM 37:4]
okay... wait... what? Not to deter others, but let me openly struggle with this concept, cuz i'm frustrated and i do not even come close to 'getting it'. i'm so confused by this life right now. And I know that it may just be a matter of overthinking it, but in order to SEEK God, i gotta think. And yes, FAITH is a factor in seeking God at some point, meaning i'm gonna shut up and realize that, no matter what i can or cannot understand with my limited brain, at some point it comes down to TRUST. That stuff just needs to be stated, before i start chasin' after rabbits here.
i don't care how much i "delight" myself in the Lord, God knows that my heart will still go pitter patter and my thoughts will verge on Oooohhh preeettty over the wrong things. i'm human. This is inevitable. What the heck is this verse talking about? Because i hear people say it all the time and i'm pretty sure i've even casually used it to comfort other people too, but c'mon now... it doesn't make any sense. It seems like a dodgy promise to make. Looking back at my life so far, i can recognize, there are some desires of my heart that ...boy am i ever glad God didn't give me. And even if i look back at my own words, i can recall a time of sorting through this, by thinking of myself as a canvas and God as the painter. Initially, i was thinking of my life as being a blank canvas that God is using primer to get me ready for His masterpiece. But ... seriously... twenty eight years of my life & blank canvas don't go together. God's had to do overhaul construction before He can even start the priming of this stubborn girl. i haven't been through nearly as much comparable to some, but still. Maybe i'll switch this idea up and consider myself a house, more than a canvas, because building, decay, rebuilding, construction all apply.
All that to say, God's timing and our timing isn't the same. Yeah. I know. He doesn't try to start painting on a dry canvas that will just eat up the pigment of the paint. He doesn't declare a house livable for a family to move in, when it's clearly still falling apart. Yes. I get that.
i started this entry (today) with the intent to make a list. However, i got sidetracked in remembrance of this draft when i started to think of talents and desires God has put in me. Maybe these should be two different entries, but consolidation (even though it will no doubt make this long) feels easier.
What i was starting to explain there was, God knows me. He knows my heart. And Derek Webb's song "Wedding Dress" explains it in a graphic bold way that brings me to my knees. I mean, very literally, I cried the first few times of listening through that song, because of how awfully true it is. How on earth can scripture promise to give me what I desire? Yeah, i can rationalize that, well He will give me what i desire, when my heart is fixated on His will for my life. But. i also know that scripture says, Enter by the narrow gate. For the gate is wide and the way is easy that leads to destruction, and those who enter by it are many. For the gate is narrow and the way is hard that leads to life, and those who find it are few. [Matthew 7:13,14]
His will for this life feels like finding a needle in a haystack a lot of the time. But i know i have desires and talents that i've gotta feel like, God's creative hand shaped intentionally as a part of me. And when these "talents" or "desires" feel like, through time passing slowly fast, they are sitting shelved and collecting dust, i can't help it - i'm frustrated and confused. And that verse in Psalms is like a slap in the face.
So what has God weaved in me? Onto this listing business.
Artistic Endeavors. No brainer. i've always been creative. i can't remember a time of not feeling creative. Do i know what to do with it? Heh... yeahNO. But i know i feel real good when i take some time to be creative and i have to feel like God put that in me for some reason.
Relief Org.'s. If i had bigger cahones and a whole lot less debt, i'd like to think i'd join groups designed to help others. i looked into the Peace Corps. for a little bit, and got this quickly sinking feeling of how dangerous it could be for a single girl to jump into. But every time i hear about another disaster, my heart nearly jumps outta me at wanting/wishing i could just go, be the hands and feet to bring peace and relief. This one, i have to say, really should go at the top of the list. i wishwishwish. And no matter how much i understand, and by all means, see and feel the need of how there's a mission everywhere (especially right next door - meaning my own neighborhood), there's something in me that gets way more excitedly urgent about rebuilding something that's been hurt or destroyed. Hurricanes/Tsunami's/Earthquakes/Poverty: destruction resulting in people who have way less than what i do, hold my heart in the palms of their hands.
Youth Ministry. This isn't one i would have ever put myself into. What has it been... three years now? i still can't believe i'm in it in the ways i am. i can list off a whole bunch of reasons why it's odd for me to be in a position of leadership. i never have felt like i should be. But, moments like yesterday afternoon happen to shut me up. When i'm sitting around a table and talking to kids about God and passion for this faith and trying to get them to seek it out for themselves because i realize there's only so much i can do for them to be sparked and one of 'em says, "i wish we could do this (meaning simply to come together to study Gods word!!) more than just once a week", i'm humbled. i feel like God's allowed me to step into something so unbelievably sacred and divine and i gotta shut up for being so (personally/internally battling) belligerent about it. And i feel it in me. That desire to show them what they're capable of in Christ. To encourage them that when they SEEK they'll FIND. To try to steer them away from the path i took - of being so ungratefully complacent with God and not knowing truthfully a thing about real Faith. Yeah, God has shown me this passion that i didn't even know i had.
i'm willing to bet that most people feel that they are on this earth for a much greater purpose than what they think they are currently fulfilling. If we could somehow contain the energy of frustration from this, I doubt we'd need electrical lines everywhere to power cities. Collectively, lives would generate psuedo-light all over the place.
Y'know in that story of Ruth & Boaz, the thing that I found the most remarkable was how Ruth decided to turn her back to everything familiar and stable so that she could be there for her momma-in-law. She could have returned to her own family and been taken care of. She was given every opportunity and out to do so when devastation and uncertainty hit hard. Instead, Ruth said, "Do not urge me to leave you or to return from following you. For where you go I will go, and where you lodge I will lodge.Your people shall be my people, and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there will I be buried. May the LORD do so to me and more also if anything but death parts me from you." [RUTH chapterONE versesSIXTEEN-SEVENTEEN]
uhhh.. hello intense much Ruth? It's not just intense. It's kinda extraordinary. Would I be capable of doing the same if I had been in Ruth's shoes? To be absolute and decisively dedicated enough to someone else that I did not have to be tied to in order to glean fields alongside them? Let's face it, her momma-in-law couldn't have been all that pleasant to cling to at that point in time. Check it out:
So the two of them went on until they came to Bethlehem. And when they came to Bethlehem, the whole town was stirred because of them. And the women said, "Is this Naomi?" She said to them, "Do not call me Naomi; call me Mara, for the Almighty has dealt very bitterly with me. I went away full, and the LORD has brought me back empty. Why call me Naomi, when the LORD has testified against me and the Almighty has brought calamity upon me? [RUTH chapterONE versesTWENTY-TWENTYone]
She wants people to call her Mara, which means bitter and on top of that she says she's empty. This hits me. I don't think she was just casually telling people hohum life sucks. She was like an empty well - dark and cold and musty. And Ruth clings to that? I don't really find much of Ruth's emotions during this time other than strong and intense dedication and unconditional love. Ruth lost her husband too, so you would think she'd be bitter right alongside Naomi - but instead she gleans fields. She takes action and doesn't stop taking action. My perspective on how that action happens after the point she is gleaning fields & specifically with Boaz, is unsettled. But regardless, that beginning step of movement that Ruth takes floors me. She had some aspiring (grace-filled) cahones.
I hadn't thought about tying this in with this story but Meredith got me thinking about GRACE this morning. Free entirely unmerited gifts. How strange and undeserving and humbling it feels to be the recipient of such a thing. As human beings, subject to err always from our beginning breath to ending breath, this concept of grace will always be the most beautiful thing I can think of to receive and give from one human being to another. We don't have to do anything for each other and by all evidence, with our inherently self destructive and selfish ways, you wouldn't think we'd bother to show each other or even be capable of such grace. Why would we even bother if we didn't have the example of Christ loving us before we first loved Him. Obviously, Ruth didn't have that example before her but I'm sure God moves us in other mysterious ways too. Even though I want to make a blanket statement here about humanity, I'll stick to my own self here. I have the opportunity to be Ruth because I have been Naomi. Ruth embodying GRACE and Naomi embodying bitterness and possibly the character of being quite unlovely.
Hmmm....
